Catching the Past-Domestic Abuse

Today, I'd like to talk about some painful truths in our past and the not-so-distant past which partly inspired Obadiah's abusive father in my release A Heart to Treasure.

Why write about domestic abuse? Because this scourge of society is still with us today, and in some cases, it goes unrecognized and unchecked.

What was common in the Georgian Era?

Joanne Bailey's study of more than 600 cases from the time period concluded that 92% of the time it was the man who was the abuser. This corresponds to modern data in saying that most abusers are male. However, that still leaves 8% which weren't male, and one should always remember that abusers can be male, female, adult, or even children.

Rory in Love and Marriage in the Age of Jane Austen suggested the lack of reported cases from the time could also be because men might have considered it too degrading to admit to being abused. Plus, men had more resources and could leave their abusive spouse more easily.

That being said, it was not unheard of for a man to be the victim. I read a report of a witness claiming they came to visit John Wesley and found his wife pulling him about the room by his hair. Other witnesses claimed his wife was wildly jealous of his work with Methodist ladies, and when she left him for the last time, he did not encourage her to return.

While abusers can come from both sides of the sexes, for the sake of brevity, I shall be talking mostly about men who abused their wives in this blog.

Abuse in the Georgian Era was often physical and verbal.

Verbal abuse was usually highly sexual and intended to humiliate the wife. It could also be combined with accusations of infidelity.

Rory Muir in Love and Marriage in the Age of Jane Austen detailed several reported cases of abuse from the Georgian period which included hitting with fists or objects like whips or furniture, kicking, stabbing, splashing or spilling food on them, pinching, burning, and more in Chapter 15.

One thing of note Rory pointed out is that many of these relationships actually started off well but grew toxic later. Often a result of substance abuse, like alcohol. Rory also mentioned a case where the man wanted an inheritance that the wife wouldn't hand over, so he threated and abused her. But some relationships were controlling from the start. (p. 258-260)

What was legal?

1. A man could legally use violence to "correct" his wife.

Yes, you read that right. He was legally allowed to use violence to correct his wife.

Rory states that the law was slowly restricting what amount of violence was considered acceptable, but the fact any violence was legal, just makes me want to weep (p. 258).

2. What was hers was really his.

Marriage settlements often included clauses about "pin-money," sort of like an allowance for the wife (anyone remember how elated Mrs. Bennet was about Lizzy's pin money?). They also ought to have included a pension or jointure to be given to a man's widow for her to live off of (according to Rory the practice of the dowry had been extinguished and replaced with the pension/jointure by this point. He also said this wasn't always written into the settlement like it should have been). These monies were supposed to be protected even from the husband and his creditors (Rory chapter five).

Sometimes, the money was handed over to the husband (or his father) in a lump sum in a sign of good faith that he'd keep his word and provide what had been promised in the settlement--this was not preferred because the husband (or his father) was known to not fulfill his promises.

It was generally considered safest to entrust the wife's money to a trustee who would conservatively invest it. The wife's pin-money came from the interest of those investments, although she usually didn't get the whole interest. (Rory chapter five.) However, the trustee could run off with the money or invest it poorly, losing the lot.

As for the fact Rory claimed it was supposed to be legally protected from the husband and his creditors, let us examine the case of Margaret Fordyce (sister-in-law to the man who wrote Fordyce's sermons) as shared in the biography about her sister, Defiance: The Life and Choices of Lady Anne Barnard by Stephen Taylor (chapters 3-7).

Margaret's husband lost everything, and even though her mother had insisted upon an income set aside for Margaret irrespective of her husband's debts and in the care of a trustee, the creditors claimed they had a right to it. (Taylor p. 43 and 70)

A few months later, when the storm had somewhat blown over, it was revealed that Margaret's income was actually safe. However, she could only claim it if she lived with her abusive spouse. (Taylor, p. 75 and see chapter 4 about the abuse)

But apparently that wasn't the end of the matter because it still went to court. The court order claimed the money safe from the creditors but not her husband. He had legal right to it and to any other money she was bequeathed. (Taylor p. 87)

Even when a family friend used his connections with the North administration to establish an annual income for "indigent young women of quality" especially for Margaret, Fordyce urged Margaret to keep quiet about it because he could lay claim to the money. (Taylor p. 113)

That's why I had a character in my book A Heart to Treasure say, "...we all know what belongs to the wife really belongs to her husband."

3. Married women didn't really have a source of independent income.

   
   

Most wives were homemakers without a source of income. But even those so blessed to have a sellable talent, it could often be contingent on the blessing of her husband to be legal. For example, Worsley in At Home with Jane Austen, explains that married women weren't legally allowed to sign their own publishing contracts.

Rory shared of a man who threatened and abused his wife because she would not turn over her inheritance to him (p. 259-260). The case with Margaret Fordyce shows that had the man taken her to court the matter probably would have been resolved rather quickly in his favour. So, why didn't he?

The answer to that probably lies within what Angeline Goreau so succinctly summed up in her introductory notes about Anne Bronte's novel The Tennant of Wildfell Hall. "Helen Huntingdon [the heroine]... slams the bedroom door in her husband's face. ...[the husband] has thus far shown little regard for conventional morality, but in this case he knows his duty -- he locks up his wife." (p. 11 of the introductory notes to Agnes Grey published by Penguin Classics)

4. The wife often had to prove unequivocally she was abused to be granted a divorce or any legal assistance.

Some judges began to be willing to accept the threat of violence as an acceptable case, but this was slow in coming. Even family and friends could be slow and argue against such extreme action, as I'll show later.

These are the legalities of which I'm familiar. If you know of others, please share them with us in the comments.

What was accepted by society?

For a long time, abuse was considered normal and even advisable, but as the Georgian Era progressed, Rory states that society began to think poorly of a man who did not control himself. Please note, the distinction here. It wasn't because abuse was considered wrong, but that a gentleman should be beneath such indignities as violence.

Violence was considered a sign of poor breeding. It meant you behaved like the lower classes. A true gentleman would show self-control (Rory. p 258). Which was rubbish of course. Many of the gentry were abusive, yet this was the "moral" perception of the day.

Rory Muir quotes several witnesses who talk of the adventurer Andrew Stoney Bowes's violent passions and how his abused wife, the Countess of Strathmore, could not even read her own letters, have her mother visit, drink a glass of wine, or speak lest she consult him first. She was often violently beaten, and one witness told of a time the husband threw hot potatoes at her, forced her to eat the potatoes, and then threw wine on her face to wash the potatoes off. She stayed with him for 8 years.

Even after leaving him, Rory said her troubles were not over. He does not expound on what he meant by that, but it is not uncommon in cases of abuse. Escape isn't always the cure-all many people suppose it will be. Nor is it as simple as those in the wings judging the girl for staying suppose either, even in modern times.

One of the worst parts of Lady Strathmore's case was that, of so many witnesses quoted, none of them seemed to speak out in the moment, to try and stop him.

There could be several reasons for this, some of which I'll discuss in a moment, but it's important to remember that this still happens today.

People don't always speak up when they ought to.

In the Georgian Era, some family members were too far down the social ladder for their input to make a difference even when they did speak up. Or else, the abuser was so high in society they might have very few equals, and even of the few equals they had, it was considered impertinent for them to interfere.

Neither of which were actually the case with Lady Strathmore as she married well below her station, but from the accounts, it seems even men were too afraid of her husband to say anything or else they considered it none of their affair. That last one being a rather malignant sentiment of the day.

In another case, the abused wife felt too embarrassed to ask her brother for assistance since she'd gone against his wishes in marrying.

Unfortunately, those who ought to care most, i.e. the wife's family, would sometimes not protect her. It was not unheard of for a brother or father to return the wife to her abuser, deeming that it was the man's right to do whatever he liked with his wife.

However, Rory shared that if the wife were to find relatives who cared, a brother, neighbour, or friend of great influence, they might be able to convince the man his actions did not meet with public approval. After which, he could occasionally be persuaded to stop. (p. 262-263)

(It's important I think to note here that a counsellor in a domestic violence forum said this is still a very effective method, when other men call out abuse and disapprove of it. It is also the basic point of a therapy group for men who are trying to change their abusive behaviour highlighted in the book No Buts which I will list in my resources later.)

Another hindrance to the Georgian wife was that it was considered bad form to discuss or criticise one's spouse, even to the point of being thought unwise to do so (Rory, Chapter 14). Which, in a way, brings up my next point.

A woman's perception of her place

In Love and Marriage In the Age of Jane Austen, Rory Muir quotes a woman from the day exasperated at the mistreatment of her mistress. Yet, even as Nelly Weeton says how horrible the man is for his behaviour, she doesn't believe the lady of the house should try and stand up for herself. The maid believes it wrong for a woman to place herself above her husband. The wife's place is to be submissive, and if the wife would just take it patiently, he'd stop abusing her.

The maid admits that those who had known the abuser longest advised that if the wife would just stand up to him he'd stop. But the maid still felt this very wrong to the natural order of things. This shows that a woman's own perception of her place in the home was that the wife should never strive to be master of her husband's house, and by all appearances the victim shared this belief.

A few lines later, the maid admits that the wife does submit, over and over again, and still the man does not desist. The maid even goes on to say that when the lady escapes to her family for a few days' reprieve (they were too poor and lacked social weight to intervene), the maid is both sympathetic of the action but clearly disproves of it in the same breath.

Another sad point to make of this case study before we move on is that the maid went on to marry an abusive husband herself. Nelly took her own husband to court, an action she did not recommend to her mistress.

The result of this led him to retaliate by levelling similar charges against her. And in a further betrayal, the maid's own brother, an attorney, sided with the husband.

This particular case study shows how hard it could be for the abused wife since even other women might not offer her support or good advice. (Rory, p. 261-263)

Providing Proof

Another obstacle for the wife's escape is that abusers can often portray themselves as loving to the outside world. It can take a while for people to notice the disconnect. And in a world like the Georgian Era, appearance was everything. How can a wife convince others she is in danger when the man appears to love her unconditionally?

Even producing witnesses didn't "seal the deal" so to speak as the witness must be judged impartial and of a high enough rank as to be equal or better than the abuser. A servant's witness was often discounted.

However, the law was slowly starting to recognize that even the threat of violence should be sufficient ground for a person to remove themselves from danger. And this began during the Georgian Era.

If there was so much physical abuse in the Georgian Era (and there was), why did I choose to write Obadiah's father as rarely physically abusive?

I could have easily written Obadiah's father as both physically and verbally abusive. It was common in the day, still unfortunately accepted by much of society, and legal in many ways. But there's another side to abuse I wanted to highlight, and for this we must go into the not-so-distant past.

In February 2020, Hannah Clarke and her three children were burnt alive in their car by her estranged husband who committed suicide immediately after.

Along with much of Australia, I struggled to comprehend such a heinous act.

Hannah's parents began to campaign for better laws and speak out against coercive control--what Hannah's abuser used against her. In a panel put together to discuss abuse, something came to light which really impacted me.

Hannah's parents said Hannah had believed abuse was only physical. This is actually a very common misconception.

There are many forms of abuse, and if you are suffering or questioning something in your relationship, please seek professional help and advice.

The forum I watched was divided into two sides. Families of victims on one side and professionals who have been trained to deal with domestic abuse in a legal capacity on the other side. One of those professionals was a police officer who admitted that even though she had been trained to recognize abuse and dealt with it on a daily basis, she had failed to recognize that she was in an abusive situation herself.

That really hit me hard. How could someone trained in the field not recognize abuse?

Part of the answer was her high tolerance. She was so used to the big abusive situations she didn't recognize the small ones which precede the large events. This is very common, and one of the reasons we ought to show patience to those in abusive situations. They've dealt with this a long time, for so long that for some of them it's all they know. It's "normal" to them, and in other cases, they've been taught that they don't deserve any better (which is a lie, and I want to make sure that's clear. Everyone deserves to be treated better, no exceptions).

Another influence which helped me to understand victims of abuse was a novel about coercive control. Even though I knew the man in the story was abusive, I still doubted it throughout the book.

Suzie Peace Pybus in The Truth about Irene showed me how someone even after they had been presented with clear facts could still doubt what they knew to be true--especially if the abuser is manipulative. And I really appreciated the author's diligence and care to teach me patience, understanding, and ways to react to these highly charged situations.

I also have a sister who works with people from abusive situations and learning more about her work helped shape part of the story and Obadiah's journey to realizing what his father was and how to respond to it.

The Type of Abuse Discussed in A Heart to Treasure

Writing about abuse was a long and hard process to research and write, and I've learned a lot. But one of the biggest things I learned was that many people still don't recognize emotional and non-physical abuse as abuse. So, I decided to write Obadiah's father as verbally abusive and controlling to shed light on this often-unrecognized type of abuse. (Please note, that the father's behaviour does escalate in the book.)

While most of the documented case studies of abuse in the Georgian Era are either physical or physical alongside verbal, we should not presume physical abuse was all there was. Nor should we assume the same today. Most abuse starts long before it turns violent.

Last words

If you are worried about someone's situation, be patient with them. Let them know they have somewhere safe to go, offer support, but above all be very patient with them. Let them make their own decisions about what to do and when.

If you can, speak out, especially if the abuser is your friend.

If you've read something here which strikes a chord about your own actions, reach out for help. Abuse is never okay. There are no excuses. It is always a choice, and you can change. There is hope. There is help.

If you have any doubts about your relationship, please seek help. Love isn't about merit. Love isn't something we earn. You are worthy just as you are.

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Resources:

I am grateful to the many who have counselled me and influenced me during this journey. Here are a few of the resources I drew upon and others which may help anyone with questions:

The forum: https://youtu.be/wwWvVRwr1Ds?si=PwwpP2gwv7qerdy0

Love and Marriage in the Age of Jane Austen by Rory Muir, chapters 14 and 15

The Truth about Irene by Suzie Peace Pybus

Defiance: the life and choices of Lady Anne Barnard by Stephen Taylor

No Buts: Twelve inspiring stories from men who changed their violent or abusive behaviour complied by Margaret Chipperfield

Here are some links if anyone has questions about non-physical violence. I've included Australian links, a UK one, and several dot com ones as well:

Dot Com: Outlining a definition, red flags, steps to take to leave, legal actions, and more Coercive Control in Relationships: What It Is & How to See the Red Flags - The Good Men Project

Dot Com: Spotting Red Flags Spotting the Red Flags of Coercive Control in Modern-Day Relationships - Self Drive Psychology

Dot Com: This link focuses a bit more on group control and not just a personal relationship Red Flags | Counter

Australian: Red Flags of abuse: Learn the red flags for coercive control

Australian: Non-physical violence: Coercive control, non-physical violence and relationship red flags | Respect Victoria UK: Explaining Coercive control and outlining a plan of action: The Red Flags of Coercive Control - eve Domestic Abuse Charity

If you have any resources you'd like to share, please feel free to put them in the comments. (A friend has also recommended See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill. I haven't read it yet, but I plan to.)